party in your pants.

Earth Day.

Earth Day thinks it’s so great. It just sits there, on its day. All innocent and such. Well, I think Earth Day isn’t so great, and here’s why.

1. It shouldn’t just be ONE “day”

Planet Earth is kinda a big deal, and it seems a little patronizing to just give it 24 hours of recognition. Rebecca Black gets more attention than that. We should love our planet every day. We should recycle constantly! And we should be walking more! And we should be giving trees the right to bear arms!

2. Where’s Saturn’s day?

Saturn is by far the superior planet. It’s bigger and better and has really awesome rings. I say that all planets should be treated equal, with the right to liberty or whatever.

3. Environmentalists are so judgmental

I mean, come on! All I want to do is use hair spray, take my fleet of Hummers to my neighbor’s house, and leave my air conditioning on 24/7 simultaneously, and they give me those dirty looks. What do they want me to do? WALK across the street? Eat quinoa? No thanks. 

4. Tree intimcacy issues

Ever since my heart was surgically removed at the end of the 19th century, I have felt no affection... for humans... let alone trees. Seeing all this “saving” and “helping” and "tree huggin" makes me extremely uncomfortable.

5. Forced contact with outsiders

Because it’s Earth Day, our conscience makes a guest appearance and convinces us to be ethical and logical by utilizing reusable water bottles... not using air conditioning to an extreme extent... and riding bikes places, which means contact with Outsiders and people we don't know. I hate people I don't know.

6. Celebrations increase smog

People feel better about themselves (and their SUVs) when actively participating in Earth Day gatherings, which often block streets and consequently increase traffic, which, ironically, increase the amount of smog emissions.

7. I hate hippies

Earth Day is an excuse for hippies and ex-hippies and wannabe hippies to come out of the woods and into the streets with common folk. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your weed.

8. I have to go outside

I am not for the outdoors. Period. I consider camping to be done in an RV or cabin. None of this sleeping on the ground shit. Fuck dirt. 

9. Green means salad and I hate salads

When I think “earth day,” I think “eco friendly” and “green.” And “green” reminds me of salad, which reminds me of hunger and not eating hamburgers and/or bacon.

10. It’ll be a trending topic

Earth Day will become a trending topic on Twitter, which will take the place of something else that deserves our attention, such as #ilovesmosh or #howtopostasmoshlinktoyourfacebook.

Just go get belligerent on Earth Day like I did in Boulder this year. Hey, there was bluegrass music playing in the background. Dude the word "grass" is in that genre of music. Boom. Got it covered mother nature. You are welcome. 

I am in love.

Challenge : Find me this pillow and I will consider marrying you. 

BAHAHAHA.

hipsters, go squawk somewhere else.

     Ok Hipsters its time to have a talk. The whole point and saving grace of being a “hipster” is that you have good taste in alternative art. You are supposed to be naturally drawn to what is a-typical. You are supposed to have an eye for things that may not be obviously appealing to others. You find beauty in unlikely places. This of course should include style and fashion. Now, I am not the fashion police by any means whatsoever. I have made my mistakes, by the dozens. However, lately I have noticed that in “the scene,” some of you are making some pretty bad choices and they’re spreading  faster than the swine flu.  Some of the accoutrements that I have seen out and about just look fucking dumb.

The first thing that I would like to address are the feathers. The other night at a show we saw a girl with so many feathers stuffed into the back of her hair, that it looked like a pigeon had crash landed into her head. If you really know what you are doing and feel you can pull of the feathers-in-hair thing, keep them to a minimum, one or two at the most, like Ke$ha (note the sarcasm). Also it would be preferable if the feathers you chose were actually pleasant looking and not like they came from a crow with Avian Flu.

Feather hair extensions are the latest spring trend to pop up, even before the last of winter’s snow has fallen. Tucking a strand of feathers into your mane may be the most retarded fashion trend that has happened. Are hipsters trying to channel their inner Indian or something? WTF.

And there is some food for thought : how do they get the feathers from the birds?

I mean I am no crazy activist for PETA or some shit but even I wouldn’t feel right if birds were killed just for their feathers so that people could put them in their hair to do a rain dance on their way to class.

Now there are some pieces that others out there may have a problem with. A lot of people bitch about Skinny Jeans. That’s just retarded. Skinny Jeans are hot. What looks hotter than jeans that are painted on to your ass? Nothing. Except when you’re fat. STAY AWAY FROM SKINNY JEANS for the sake of humanity.They are called "skinny" jeans for a reason. They are meant for people with tiny legs and hipbones, not thunder thighs and love handles. Every time I see a chubbster wearing these I think of that scene from Jurassic Park when the T-Rex is coming and the water jiggles with each step.

Now that’s a big bitch.

Now a case where less isn’t more: Men’s shirts as dresses. If you do this right, it’s a go. However, a lot of you out there apparently don’t own mirrors because, you are wearing shirts so short that, I can see your bloomers. I know that a lot of you think the shorter the dress the sexier, right? But can’t you see, if your wearing a shirt that is not covering your ass, then you simply look like you forgot your pants. Do you really want to be walking around in a shirt and shoes? This looks like your drunk or stupid, or both?

Last but definitely not least, why are you guys trying to kill flannel?  Flannel has had its place in alternative culture for decades. From hippies to grungies, flannel is part of our roots, it’s deep with history. Now every time I go to school or even the grocery store it looks like Paul Bunyan threw-up in there. Perhaps we could have like a raffle system to determine who can wear flannel on what day? Maybe it’s too late for flannel. Maybe we just can’t wear it for a while. Should we do it cold-turkey? I don’t know, I am open to suggestions. For now I know I can’t go near the stuff without feeling like I’m putting on a uniform.

 (cue in tim allen grunt)

And you're welcome. 

I’m just trying to stop you from looking like a total idiot.

Going out with a birds nest on our heads is never gonna work in anyone’s favor.

REAL TALK.

You're Tacky and I hate you.

          The platform flip flop popped into US mass culture in the 90's, and unfortunately made it through the 2000's. What is there to say about a large wedge of styrofoam block. (Yes, I know, its not actually styrofoam) Well, let me tell you. 

Today in New Mexico I saw a chick wearing these. 

#1 She was a nugget. Wearing platform flip flops can't and won't save her from her nuggetness. Period. 

#2 This bezzy had bite marks on her flip flops. Really? Really? Really. If your little chiwawa rat looking dog chewed up your platforms and you are still wearing them in public...you have issues.   

#3 It was paired up with some micro mini skirt and a shirt that was 9 sizes too small.

YOU ARE A CHUBBY NUGGET WITH STUBBY LEGS. 

Go away, you hurt my eyes. 

Fashion tip for dummies: Get out of the 90's along with the rest of your platform flip flop friends. 

Another pair of shoes that i despise. Crocs.

However, these immensely popular 'shoes' as some would call them, are simply unsightly chunks of rubber with some breathing holes on top. I don't care if they are waterproof or excellent for use in the garden. They are tacky and gross. God forbid I see someone wearing these out in public, every time I want to go ape shit on them. And if you want waterproof shoes, put a plastic bag over your normal shoes. I would fully support that before these things. 

whyyyyyyyyyyyy....whyyyyyyyy are people still wearing these?

Suck it Veggie stuffers.